On Debt and Openness to Life

I was FB chatting with a friend earlier this week and she made a comment about how freeing their experience of being debt free has been, and I had a kind of "aha" moment while her words sunk in.

I also got really, really excited about the future, and about being able to experience that kind of freedom for myself.

Now, the friend in question has more than a handful of kids. And my mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that financial freedom was probably immensely liberating in the bedroom, too, in terms of family planning.

Does that seem far fetched?

I kept thinking about it all afternoon, considering the connection between our deeply-indebted culture and a general aversion to children, past the perfunctory one or two. (And I'm speaking here to couples who are intentionally avoiding additions to their family, not to those struggling with the heartache of infertility.)

I thought about our neighbors across the street, eager to hand me bags and bags full of darling little girl clothes, and equally happy to tell us on more than one occasion how very "done" they were because they simply "couldn't afford" any more children. That their youngest daughter, though very much loved, was very much a surprise.

They're a sweet family and she works hard to stay home with her girls, running an event planning business and keeping another baby 40 hours a week for a working mama. Their girls have the best toys and clothes, and they throw fantastical themed birthday parties every year - last year's fete for the 4-year-old was Frozen-themed and featured a live, rented reindeer, a snow machine, a karaoke set up, Elsa's wedding cake, and a spread of Swedish food that put Ikea to shame.

I have to wonder whether what they - and so many of us - consider to be necessary trappings to the ideal childhood are really just that: trappings.

I know that kids care about having cool stuff, but I think they can be coached into caring, can be educated into a certain lifestyle and level of expectation, just like any of us can.

On the other hand, I think that parents who are drowning in consumer debt, choked by student loans and car payments and ridiculous mortgages, are probably honest-to-God afraid of having more kids under such circumstances.

I am just wondering where the intersection is between "hot damn it's expensive to raise a family in this economy!" (and it is) and "you know, maybe we don't need to be racking up semiannual beach vacations on our credit cards (but mileage points!) and driving 2-year-old cars with all the best new features to have a happy family."

I wonder how many American couples are avoiding having any/more children because of debt. 

I wonder how much of the Very Real Struggle of NFP is tied up in financial insecurity.

I wonder if there's some kind of connection between generously and prudently managing one's money and one's fertility.

I am speaking to a stereotype here, but as is often the case with stereotypes, they issue forth from grains of truth.

Is it hella costly to raise and launch a kid into the world we live in?

Yes, yes it is.

But we all make choices, whether in our careers or in our decisions at the grocery store or the mall. We all decide how and where we're going to spend the money we've been entrusted with, and whether or not we're going to make debt a part of our lifestyle.

Some families have fewer options, whether due to underemployment, chronic poverty, or disability and restricted income potential, but I'm speaking here to the typical suburban American family, the one driving multiple car payments and buying brand new clothing and eating out in restaurants every week.

I wonder how much of our collective inability to manage money (and I'm looking in the mirror here) translates into our collective terror at the specter of Too Many Mouths To Feed (though that is hardly the real issue for 95% of us, let's be honest with ourselves.)

I think that being freed from the crushing burden of thousands of dollars of debt flowing out the door every month would go a long way to alleviate some of the fear of the unknown in terms of how many kids we might eventually be blessed with, creating some space for daring and generosity in hearts that are cramped and burdened by chronic stress and fear.

And I fully own that we made - and are making - the choices that got us here, and the choices that will set us free.

(And in the spirit of full disclosure, here's a little snapshot of our budgeting plan.)

What do you think? Totally reaching here, or maybe onto something? I can't be the only one thinking these crazy thoughts.

State of the budget

Well well well, just over a week in and would you look at that...

I've made exactly zero impulse purchases since we started this little experiment. Nada. Not so much as a latte or an "it's only $3.99 and the library taaaaaakes so long" Kindle title."

Amazing.

Truly, this is amazing, for I am the most entitled and undisciplined woman on the face of the earth.

Had a rough day with the kids? Pint of Ben and Jerry's! Oh, and maybe that latest copy of Real Simple while I'm standing there in the checkout.

Can't find something to wear? Well there's probably something amazing on the Target clearance rack that would be the elusive keystone to my wardrobe that will unify every scrap of subpar made-in-Kackiztanz non-designer piece in my closet.

Right?

Right.

I know it's poor form to express so much enthusiasm this early into the marathon, but I'm honestly stunned at how effective simply putting some hard and fast boundaries around my spending has been.

There was a particular day earlier this week that was just...rough. The kids were finally well enough to leave the house, but it was 11 degrees, so. Yeah. We loaded them up in the filthy winter-splatttered minivan and hightailed it to the Cherry Creek Mall (can I get a what what, locals?) for some immunity-boosting indoor play time on the soft play area.

It was heinously crowded, smelled like diapers, and was crawling with running toddlers and noses. And I wanted a Starbucks.

I even went so far as to ask Dave to grab me one on his way back from a stop into a store there, but he forgot, and I just kind of sat with the craving for a while and it just... dissipated. And then I was sitting there, latte-less, $4 richer, and feeling like I'd just summited Mt. Everest.

It's a little thing, but the past week has been filled with lots of little things that seem like they're going to add up to big things:

- No weird impulses in the grocery store. Just, you know, milk and bananas.

- No frantic texts at 5:19 pm begging for a rush hour pitstop at Chipotle for dinner delivery. Because meal planning! (Actually, that's a lie. There's no planning. It's a motley assortment that hits the table every night; but it's homemade!)

- No unplanned Amazon clicks resulting in unexpected visits from the UPS man at dinner time. Heh, I don't remember even ordering that. Weird!

Stuff like that.

It's been so good. It's been so liberating to finally feel like we're in that sweet spot where we're really only spending money according to the plan we've made with it, using the budget as a ruler an not a sledgehammer.

And yeah, it's early on, but we've already had a couple "hiccups" in the form of an ER visit and a surprisingly high dental bill, but that's fine because those are the inevitable variables in family life...heck, in life, period. Whereas my inability to stop myself from buying 4 clearance onesies and a pack of hair bows for Evie every third day of the week because I just needed to "pick up a few things" at the Bullseye was the very opposite of inevitable. It was evitable, even. I was the problem, not our circumstances. I was causing them.

So there's my take on it all, 8 whole days into the new year. But I've got a sneaking suspicion it's going to keep being really, really good.

(Of course, I'm still living off the fat of my Up and Up diaper stash. For now. Still haven't quite resigned my heart to the drop off at the end of the road...)

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New Year's Revolution

This is the year. We've drawn our line in the sand and steeled our wills and made an impressive list of bullet points that we spit shook over; this is the year we're getting out of debt for good.

I wrote a little bit about our budgeting process a couple weeks ago, and it kind of whetted my appetite to want to dig deeper into our process and see what was working, and what could work better.

Our Advent resolve to stop eating out was a huge revelation, both in terms of the kind of money we were spending on that luxury and convenience, and how empowering it felt to be able to say "no" to ourselves, and to the kids, over and over again, for almost a solid month.

We did it. And we can do it for longer.

We sat down with our budget and figured out that if we cut back in a dramatic, nuclear fashion, we can be completely debt free in a little over 14 months. That means this time next year, we'll be 8 weeks from financial freedom.

That blows my mind.

We've been budgeting for the past 5.5 years and we've paid off a TON of debt in that time. But here's the thing, we had a TON to start with. So we're left with about half of our total debt to plow through.

We crunched some numbers and talked late into the night and came away with a list of tangible changes we can make in 2015 that we think will set us up to be completely debt free by March of 2016. 

To think that we could pay off in 14 months the same amount that took us more than 5 years to retire is...insane. Humbling. Crazy exciting.

I think we'd be in an even better position, financially, had we not cash flowed an international move and three babies, but...I don't regret a single decision we've made, in that regard.

Now that we're locked solidly into our jobs, our incomes are stable (and higher than they were before babies, btw - God works in mysterious ways!) and our immediate needs are met, we think that we can get crazy, gazelle-intense aggressive in 2015.

Here are some examples of how crazy I'm talking:

• No more shopping at Target. Like, ever. Not while there are zeros on the wrong side of our bank account. I'm not knocking their prices, and I'm already mourning the loss of my beloved Up and Up diapers, but I know myself, and I cannot NOT walk out those doors without a minimum of $40 worth of random crap I didn't need and shouldn't have bought. 

• All our grocery shopping will be preplanned, done in cash, and done on a weekly basis. When I run to the store every day or two, I over spend. Every time. No more wandering into the store at 4:52 pm after the gym, roving aimlessly with hungry toddlers through the produce aisle and walking away with a disappointing rotisserie chicken and a $36 hole in the checking account.

• We're canceling Amazon Prime. Sob.

• Dropping my mother's helper down to once per week. I don't have the stomach to cut her loose entirely, but 50% is a good savings.

• No eating out. Like, at all. Unless it's from either of our $25 monthly "blow" allotments.

• Asking "Do we need it? Did we plan for it? Can we live without it?” about every single purchase. And using cash for EVERYTHING not on auto bill pay. 

• No travel, outside of work trips, period. (Might be a no brainer for most families but we have this persistent habit of globe trotting that sorely needs to be retired for a year or ten.)

I think we can do this. I believe that it's 100% within our reach to get out of debt in the next year and some change, and that it has 99% to do with our behavior and the choices we make in that time period. Disasters and illnesses notwithstanding, we can be free.

Meanwhile, I've got to get to work meal planning, thinking up 101 ways to plan a date night using Grandma and Grandpa's Netflix password, and pondering where in the world my cheap diapers and pull ups are going to come from now.

Any New Year's resolutions at your house? Do tell.