Why I Don't Believe in Parenting Styles

Once upon a time I was newly married and freshly pregnant with our first little bundle of joy, and I had all kinds of plans and ideas for how we were going to raise him. For starters, I would be delivering him naturally because birth is exactly like a marathon and you just need to train for it, everybody knows that.

My little sister who'd flown across the country with her her 6-week old son to stand up in our wedding should have known that, but since she ended up getting an epidural, she obviously hadn't put in the work to train for it. (Somehow, she refrained from punching me in the face. Bless her.)

But I was going to do it differently. I was going to birth my baby naturally, with my husband-coach standing supportively at my side, and then I was going to exclusively breast feed because of course it was best for his little brain and it would handily assist me in losing all 55 lbs. of baby weight within 6 weeks of giving birth.

I remember vividly the first time we gave him a pacifier. He was about 3 weeks old, neither of us had slept in as many days, and one evening during an hours-long scream fest I furtively pleaded for my husband to run down to the car and dig around in the backseat where I thought I'd remembered throwing the free sample pacifier from the hospital.

"Nobody has to know, we'll just give it to him this once. He'll still nurse, right? Right?!" 

Sobbing, second-guessing, and then, wonder of wonders...a calmed and soothed baby. Who went on to breastfeed for 13 grueling and occasionally rewarding months. I remember being so proud that his first beverage other than breast milk was plain old dairy milk. No nasty formula for my little prince, I was mommy, hear me roar.

About a year and a half later I was standing in an Italian farmacia on a Roman street corner, anxiously scanning the shelves of baby supplies, trying to select a formula that might be good enough for my colicky 10 month old who'd never slept through the night and who had injured me so severely with his budding teeth that I had to supplement for a couple days. Let's just say I chose unwisely.

Boom.

By our third trip down L&D lane, I swung merrily into the nurses' station after 3 days of prodromal labor and announced that I'd like my epidural placed now-ish, and that I didn't want to feel anything other than joy for the next 12 hours.

The unifying theme to all of the above? Well, aside from the obvious you don't know parenting until you've done it with each particular child, the common thread is this: never say never.

Unless, of course, it's truly an issue of good versus evil.

I've learned to pick my battles in the ongoing drama that is the mommy wars, and there are only a handful of hills I'm willing to die on. They all have something in common though: they deal in objective moral reality.

Have a different style of discipline than we do? Great! We can still totally be friends. Super into co-sleeping and attachment style parenting? Okay, well that's cool if it works for your family. Feeding your children conventional dairy products and processed chicken nuggets? Hey, if the grocery budget balances, who am I to judge?

But seriously, none of those issues deal in moral objectives. There is no black and white when it comes to pacifiers vs. nursing on demand, sleeping at mommy's bedside vs. a room with a view down the hall, and appropriate spanking vs. love and logic.

The issues I will do battle over? Exposing our kids to evil via inappropriate television or movies. Vulgar or sexual language in front of them. Violence - true violence, not playground scuffles - against them or by them. Those are moral issues. Those are the times when parents must stand up and fight.

But for the love of all the loves, let's back the flip down when it comes to co-sleeping. Let's stop spamming up threads all over social media about immunization. Let's not pat ourselves on the back so hard we fall flat on our faces if we've been blessed with an unusually compliant toddler who doesn't need to be leashed near traffic, because we all know it's our immaculate parenting practices that are responsible for his angelic nature.

The truth of it is, kids are a crazy combination of genetics and gentrification, nature and nurture. And for the most part, every parent is doing their best with what they've been given. And please, please let this filter down deep inside your mommy brain: nobody is parenting at you.

If your sister posts a Dr. Sears article on her Facebook page, you don't need to feel affronted. If your best friend chooses not to vaccinate with morally-questionable (NOT illicit, mind you, but questionable, i.e. up for determination by the individual conscience) formulations, she is not trying to kill your newborn. And if your mother in law chides you for not giving that squalling 4 month old a hearty bottle of cow's milk, smile kindly and thank her for her suggestion. No need to whip out The Womanly Art and start quoting scripture to her.

You are not a hero for birthing a baby without drugs. You are not a criminal for putting your child in day care. You are not a negligent mother for working outside the home. And you are not a thoughtless breeder for having your children 15 months apart. You are an unique, unrepeatable individual and a highly-specialized expert in your field: your kids.

Nobody else has the right to raise them. God knows, because He's the one who gave them to you. 

So strap on that Ergo. Or don't! Toss that chubby baby in an exersaucer and hit the treadmill next to them. Hell, switch on that iPad and take a shower by yourself. And be confident enough in your decision that you don't waste precious time and energy defending your choices to strangers on the internet or your comrades in arms at play group.

Because whatever else you're choosing to do for your child, in your home, in your family...you surely don't have the time for that.

Sun's out, guns out

Not to taunt you East Coasters and Midwesterners too mercilessly, but we're kind of basking in the gentle glow of January in Denver right now.

So there's been lots of this

And this

And not much writing.

But I'm also fighting nasty nasty bronchitis which rears its wheezing head at approximately 10 pm till I don't even want to tell you every night, so I'm immensely grateful for climate change right now, and the opportunity to turn the ruffians into the yard for the entire afternoon so I can scrub the kitchen, pay bills, and hunch over an essential oil diffuser, huffing thieves oil and shooting lemon water and trying not to (TMI TMI) pee my pants.

Pregnancy is much less glam the fourth time around.

Any homeopathic remedies you want to throw my way, I can almost guarantee I'll try them. My doctor took enough pity to prescribe an inhaler, but not so much that he released any codeine into my clutches. Tiny, drug-seeking violin.

How's your longest month going? Any resolutions still kicking?

I'm still clean and sober, 27 days strong. My confused eldest son has started calling the grocery store "Target," so I think that tells you how ingrained his loyalty habits are from a young age.

Oh, I also joined the future and borrowed an ebook from the library. Technology. And I wait listed 19 best sellers that I will be awarded in approximately 14 months, give or take the line ahead of me. I guess that's why people buy books? But not having Amazon prime has been clutch for curbing my little dalliances with impulse spending.

On the relocation front, I'm going to be hanging out here, temporarily, on CNA. I'll still be cross posting everything on the blog until the technical stuff all wraps, but it seems like all systems are go for eventually being able to type in Mama Needs Coffee and still landing in my hood. The only potential snag I can see is that the feed itself will change, so if you read in Bloglovin or Feedly or some other reader, you may have to resubscribe. I'll figure out all the details for you though, fret not.

And finally, did you see Grace's news? I loved the graphic she found. I actually told a friend earlier today that he was off the hook for needing to offer congratulations since this is #4, and he could just say "of course you are." Which I infinitely prefer to "don't you know what causes that?"

Between her, Hallie, Blythe, Kendra, and me, we're going to singlehandedly repopulate the blogosphere. And then, the earth.

Oh, and speaking of world domination, I can't believe you guys voted me into the most undeserved category for the Sheenazing awards, but I'll take it. I couldn't believe it when Bonnie emailed me, especially given the company I was keeping in that nomination category. So thank you, truly.

Why We Don't Let the Neighbors Tell Us How to Raise The Kids

My dear fellow Catholics. My brothers and sisters.

We are, in fact, in a rather unique family, are we not?

Huge. Dysfunctional. Multitalented. Holy. Scandalous. Disappointing. Inspiring.

It's much like any other family, plus or minus about a billion members.

We have our quirks and our shortcomings, our saints and our sinners. We are imperfect and wonderfully weird and, first and foremost, we are universal.

That's unbelievably ambitious, by the way, for God to cobble something together from so many disparate and diverse members and call it holy and apostolic. If nothing else convinces you of the divinity behind the longevity of Catholicism, let it be this: that we haven't all killed each other yet.

And so now we have the internet. The 24/7 news cycle. The entire world up in each other's business in a way previously unfathomable to mankind. And there are pros and cons to this never-ending glut of information to process. I would offer as a giant con the seemingly global disability to process well, at least for 99% of the literate populace. We're very good at emoting and reacting. We're less adept at reasoning and reflecting.

Each era has its own challenges and triumphs. We live in the Information Age, for better or worse, and so we must learn what (and whether) to do with the information that is assaulting our eyeballs and our eardrums at literally every waking moment. Do we process it all? Filter it out? React to everything that moves us?

Social media complicates this further, because everyone has a platform and, therefore, the right to exercise it. It's the great equalizer, making would-be journalists and talking heads of us all.

But remember, not all sources of information are created equal. And not everyone with a loud microphone and a robust Twitter following has the capacity to speak thoughtfully and thoroughly on a given issue.

My biggest complaint with the Francis papacy, 2 years in, is the reaction of seemingly well-formed and practicing Catholics to the Things He Says Which Are Outrageous.

Let me back up and preface what is about to be said; it is true that this Holy Father of ours is not the most eloquent speaker. It is true that he speaks his heart readily, and that he uses culturally-hamstrung idioms and analogies. He is not an intellectual (and I don't think he would take offense at my saying so) and he is not a philosopher. His mind has not been sharpened by 40 years of rigorous theological study and debate, and his worldview was most decidedly not formed by the Western/European experience.

But he is the Pope. He is the Successor of Peter, chosen by his brother cardinals under the guidance of the Holy Spirit to lead the Church now, today, in the year 2015. Not in the year 2012 or 1987 or 1334. He's here for us, right now. Just as each of us were handpicked to live in such a time as this.

And if I don't agree with everything that comes out of his mouth (and I don't) and if some of what I read in his writings makes me squirm (and it does), there's one thing for certain: I'm sure as hell not going to let someone from outside the family tell me what I should think about it.

Now, there's nothing stopping my next door neighbor, my barista, or the lady at our local grocery store from commenting on how I'm raising my kids, how closely spaced they are, or what kinds of trash I'm serving up at the dinner table, but freedom of speech is not the same thing as rightful authority.

See what I'm saying?

Yes, the guy at Starbucks can comment on my mewling pack of toddlers and advise me to put a stranglehold on the flow of progeny issuing forth from our marital union, but I'm not about to invite him into our bedroom to pour over my NFP charts and help us decide if and when the time is right for another kid.

He can comment away all he likes, but I don't have to (and sure as hell shouldn't, in fact) listen.

Similarly, CNN, MSNBC, the AP, America magazine, your token crackpot SSPX blogger, and all the rest are very, very free to comment on every thing the Pope says and does, what it means, what it doesn't mean, and what you, as a Catholic, SIMPLY MUST DO ABOUT IT.

But you know better than to be getting your family business from the guy at the post office, don't you?

You're not really going to let someone outside the family - and as is often the case, utterly opposed to the very existence of the family - tell you your family business, are you?

Misquotable or not, Pope Francis is our Pope. He's our father. He's also a figure of contradiction and amusement and confusion and excitement and all the other adjectives for the rest of the world, looking on in wonder/disgust/mild curiosity. So yes, he will be in the news. And yes, all the things he says will be analyzed and dissected and translated and represented to you, the consumer, to ingest.

But it's your responsibility to monitor the quality.

I can't expect to have a well-formed opinion of or appreciation for the Pope if all I read about him comes through the secular media who simultaneously reviles the Catholic Church and desperately wants to see her fall into ruin. I can't seriously hope to allow the Holy Spirit to work through him on my little old heart if, instead of reading his encyclicals and his homilies, all I know of him is filtered through a Buzzfeed article or Rachel Maddow's stimulating commentary.

Come on.

Would you let someone talk about your biological father that way? Would you give them that same authority over your opinion of him?

I thought not.

It's an imperfect analogy, because yes, the Pope is a very public figure. But remember this: we have a responsibility before God to answer for the information we take in, be it in the form of entertainment or "news." We're not just open trash receptacles, and words and ideas have consequences. So don't let someone who doesn't have your - or your family's - best interests at heart be the one to tell you your family business.

Your mama raised you better than that.

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(Some resources I do heartily endorse for your Papal reading pleasure:)

Catholic News Agency

Vatican Information Service

Vatican Radio

Aci Prensa (Espanol)

Eye of the Tiber

Promotions and Upgrades

I already shared with you guys the crazy news about my promotion to Catholic News Agency/EWTN, which should be fully in effect (read: new site will be live) the first week of February.

As these things often go, technical details abound and so it might be a little bit past the projected start date when things come on line. But then, anything good is worth waiting for, right?

Evie concurs. Or at least, she'll get there.

See, she's been promoted, too (along with her older brothers, who are already veterans in the role), and while we've been given a tentative start date for her new position to take effect, God only knows the precise timing.

Probably you see where this is going?

(It's also the reason I may be a tad behind on my comments and emails. But you'll forgive a tired, pregnant blogger, won't you?)

Baby Bing #4, debuting sometime early August. God is good.

On Debt and Openness to Life

I was FB chatting with a friend earlier this week and she made a comment about how freeing their experience of being debt free has been, and I had a kind of "aha" moment while her words sunk in.

I also got really, really excited about the future, and about being able to experience that kind of freedom for myself.

Now, the friend in question has more than a handful of kids. And my mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that financial freedom was probably immensely liberating in the bedroom, too, in terms of family planning.

Does that seem far fetched?

I kept thinking about it all afternoon, considering the connection between our deeply-indebted culture and a general aversion to children, past the perfunctory one or two. (And I'm speaking here to couples who are intentionally avoiding additions to their family, not to those struggling with the heartache of infertility.)

I thought about our neighbors across the street, eager to hand me bags and bags full of darling little girl clothes, and equally happy to tell us on more than one occasion how very "done" they were because they simply "couldn't afford" any more children. That their youngest daughter, though very much loved, was very much a surprise.

They're a sweet family and she works hard to stay home with her girls, running an event planning business and keeping another baby 40 hours a week for a working mama. Their girls have the best toys and clothes, and they throw fantastical themed birthday parties every year - last year's fete for the 4-year-old was Frozen-themed and featured a live, rented reindeer, a snow machine, a karaoke set up, Elsa's wedding cake, and a spread of Swedish food that put Ikea to shame.

I have to wonder whether what they - and so many of us - consider to be necessary trappings to the ideal childhood are really just that: trappings.

I know that kids care about having cool stuff, but I think they can be coached into caring, can be educated into a certain lifestyle and level of expectation, just like any of us can.

On the other hand, I think that parents who are drowning in consumer debt, choked by student loans and car payments and ridiculous mortgages, are probably honest-to-God afraid of having more kids under such circumstances.

I am just wondering where the intersection is between "hot damn it's expensive to raise a family in this economy!" (and it is) and "you know, maybe we don't need to be racking up semiannual beach vacations on our credit cards (but mileage points!) and driving 2-year-old cars with all the best new features to have a happy family."

I wonder how many American couples are avoiding having any/more children because of debt. 

I wonder how much of the Very Real Struggle of NFP is tied up in financial insecurity.

I wonder if there's some kind of connection between generously and prudently managing one's money and one's fertility.

I am speaking to a stereotype here, but as is often the case with stereotypes, they issue forth from grains of truth.

Is it hella costly to raise and launch a kid into the world we live in?

Yes, yes it is.

But we all make choices, whether in our careers or in our decisions at the grocery store or the mall. We all decide how and where we're going to spend the money we've been entrusted with, and whether or not we're going to make debt a part of our lifestyle.

Some families have fewer options, whether due to underemployment, chronic poverty, or disability and restricted income potential, but I'm speaking here to the typical suburban American family, the one driving multiple car payments and buying brand new clothing and eating out in restaurants every week.

I wonder how much of our collective inability to manage money (and I'm looking in the mirror here) translates into our collective terror at the specter of Too Many Mouths To Feed (though that is hardly the real issue for 95% of us, let's be honest with ourselves.)

I think that being freed from the crushing burden of thousands of dollars of debt flowing out the door every month would go a long way to alleviate some of the fear of the unknown in terms of how many kids we might eventually be blessed with, creating some space for daring and generosity in hearts that are cramped and burdened by chronic stress and fear.

And I fully own that we made - and are making - the choices that got us here, and the choices that will set us free.

(And in the spirit of full disclosure, here's a little snapshot of our budgeting plan.)

What do you think? Totally reaching here, or maybe onto something? I can't be the only one thinking these crazy thoughts.

Blog Roll

I don't know about you guys, but I always love seeing who other bloggers are reading. I haven't updated ye olde sidebar blogroll in...uh, ever, actually, but I do have a fat handful of regular reads that I'd like to share, though I'm guessing you're already all over lots of them.

So, I present to you in no particular order, my regulars.

First up, my pick for girl most likely to be my bff/ person I'd most love to sit down to a beer with: Bonnie. (Don't be creeped out Bonnie, it's just that, I love you.) I always click if she has something new, because she always manages to be classy, forward (but not too forward, you know? Like me, for example), charitable, funny as hell, and real.

Best fashion blogger/I needed to laugh: Duh, it's Grace. And because she's always mucho self deprecating and all kinds of humble, I don't even hate her for looking like a teenage supermodel, 4 mewling babes notwithstanding.

Best life in the trenches/sprinkles of profound faith: Ana. Plus, we knew each other in real life, first! (Remember when I crashed your wedding Ana? I mean yes, technically I was invited, but I think I RSVP'd like one week out? And then came as they third wheel to my sister and (now) brother-in-law, because I'd just gotten dumped. Charmed, I'm sure she was.) Oh, Imma add Kathryn to this category too, as a late entry, because my brain failed. Her stuff during her sweet boy's NICU stay is especially poignant.

Best photography/design/boy mom stories: Carolyn. Love her stuff. And she's also a resident maternal supermodel, but again with the humility and grace.

Most supportive "we got this"/here's how you DIY it: Jenna. Can't believe I forgot her!

Favorite crunchy mama. Well this one's a toss up. I love Nell and Haley both so much, and I think it's incomplete to call either of them "crunchy" so I think I'll go with eclectically organic with a heaping side of orthodoxy. Both so fascinating and wise. Nell gets extra points for being the cheerleader of the entire internet, and mad props to Haley for her sick social media guru skills (I participated in one of her FB parties once and holy interactive, batman.) So, it's a tie.

Most likely to make me look around and sigh, wishing she were sitting in my living room drinking coffee (or wine) and watching Downton Abbey with me: Christy. Love her writing, can't believe how much she reads, and can't fathom the length of her winters.

Blogger I wish would post more frequently: oh gosh, this one's another tie. Kaitlin and Regina are both two of my favorites, and are both so busy and important they never have time for my blog reading pleasure. Ahem, ladies.

Most underrated Catholic blogger: Michele. And I don't mean underrated like "nobody reads her and they need to be, "(though if you're not, you do need to be!) but just that she seems to fly under the radar and her stuff is so, so good. She's also a published author so prooooobably she is focusing her energy on loftier stuff than blogging, but when she takes the time to write, you are never sorry you clicked over. Plus her daughters are darling.

Favorite local blogger: New-to-me fellow Denverite Megan. Love her writing, love her story, love her solidarity as I boycott Target and salvage our family finances.

Experienced (read: doesn't wring her hands and sob at bedtime every night daddy works late) mother I'd most like to apprentice to. Jen or Hallie. Really either of them could teach me everything I ever needed to know about not losing my damn mind in the next decade or so, I believe. Colleen would probably also slap some sense into me.

Sporty blog: I love Susan and her beautiful reflections on motherhood and running and being a rockstar wife.

Living faith: Molly. She handles the gritty, non-always-easy and sometimes makes your throat catch. But always beautiful.

Unknown(ish): Kristine's is a blog I've been creeping for years, I think I found her originally through Jen's old blog, but I honestly can't remember. Anyway she has 4 beautiful babies, runs ultra marathons and dresses like a runway model so...I can't look away. Also, minimalism + clean eating. Can't get enough.

Fav non-Catholic blog: another one I've been reading literally for years and years is NieNie's. She's LDS and definitely super into it, but I just skim the heavy religious posts, and honestly, her commitment to her faith and her family is admirable. Also, her clothes/house/kids/pics are stunning. She and her husband survived a horrific plane crash a few years ago and she's a burn survivor with an amazing comeback story.

Smartest blog: probably Anne. Her curated content is so interesting. I like Joanna too, but some of her stuff is morally questionable.

Fav male blogger: I don't read hardly any man blogs (sorry guys?) but I do like Daniel's and Dan's.

My political muse(s): Julie. Or maybe Mary. Gah, another toss up. Both are so smart and witty and generous in their coverage of "the other side." You'll be a better person for reading them.

Home decor: love the Nester. I really like Ashley's stuff too, and Caitlin's.

Girls I just want to close down the bar with: Kate. And Steph. And Katrina. And Lisa. And Cari. And Dwija. And Rosie. And Kelly. Okay, pretty much everyone on the aforementioned list.

Can I just tack a few more on here? I mean, who can remember the entire internet? Okay cool: Olivia,  Anne, Kendra, Mary, Agnes, Cam, Christine . . . (dot dot dot, because I'm sure I'll think up a few more.)

I'm sorry if I missed anyone! I tried to retrace my frequent trolling steps so I'll have to come back and add to this list if I encounter any omissions, because dang this got long, and my back hurts from siting, and the friggin Patriots just won and the friggin Seahawks are currently winning. Blergh.

Anyone you love who I'd love?

State of the budget

Well well well, just over a week in and would you look at that...

I've made exactly zero impulse purchases since we started this little experiment. Nada. Not so much as a latte or an "it's only $3.99 and the library taaaaaakes so long" Kindle title."

Amazing.

Truly, this is amazing, for I am the most entitled and undisciplined woman on the face of the earth.

Had a rough day with the kids? Pint of Ben and Jerry's! Oh, and maybe that latest copy of Real Simple while I'm standing there in the checkout.

Can't find something to wear? Well there's probably something amazing on the Target clearance rack that would be the elusive keystone to my wardrobe that will unify every scrap of subpar made-in-Kackiztanz non-designer piece in my closet.

Right?

Right.

I know it's poor form to express so much enthusiasm this early into the marathon, but I'm honestly stunned at how effective simply putting some hard and fast boundaries around my spending has been.

There was a particular day earlier this week that was just...rough. The kids were finally well enough to leave the house, but it was 11 degrees, so. Yeah. We loaded them up in the filthy winter-splatttered minivan and hightailed it to the Cherry Creek Mall (can I get a what what, locals?) for some immunity-boosting indoor play time on the soft play area.

It was heinously crowded, smelled like diapers, and was crawling with running toddlers and noses. And I wanted a Starbucks.

I even went so far as to ask Dave to grab me one on his way back from a stop into a store there, but he forgot, and I just kind of sat with the craving for a while and it just... dissipated. And then I was sitting there, latte-less, $4 richer, and feeling like I'd just summited Mt. Everest.

It's a little thing, but the past week has been filled with lots of little things that seem like they're going to add up to big things:

- No weird impulses in the grocery store. Just, you know, milk and bananas.

- No frantic texts at 5:19 pm begging for a rush hour pitstop at Chipotle for dinner delivery. Because meal planning! (Actually, that's a lie. There's no planning. It's a motley assortment that hits the table every night; but it's homemade!)

- No unplanned Amazon clicks resulting in unexpected visits from the UPS man at dinner time. Heh, I don't remember even ordering that. Weird!

Stuff like that.

It's been so good. It's been so liberating to finally feel like we're in that sweet spot where we're really only spending money according to the plan we've made with it, using the budget as a ruler an not a sledgehammer.

And yeah, it's early on, but we've already had a couple "hiccups" in the form of an ER visit and a surprisingly high dental bill, but that's fine because those are the inevitable variables in family life...heck, in life, period. Whereas my inability to stop myself from buying 4 clearance onesies and a pack of hair bows for Evie every third day of the week because I just needed to "pick up a few things" at the Bullseye was the very opposite of inevitable. It was evitable, even. I was the problem, not our circumstances. I was causing them.

So there's my take on it all, 8 whole days into the new year. But I've got a sneaking suspicion it's going to keep being really, really good.

(Of course, I'm still living off the fat of my Up and Up diaper stash. For now. Still haven't quite resigned my heart to the drop off at the end of the road...)

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New, relocated, and (hopefully) improved!

Starting in a couple weeks Mama Needs Coffee is going to be experiencing a big transition of the geographical persuasion. Beginning sometime this month, this humble little space is going to be absorbed into the journalistic behemoth that is Catholic News Agency.

Well, maybe embedded is a better descriptor than absorbed, because fear not, if you type in www.MamaNeedsCoffee.com you are still going to land in my virtual living room. It's just that I'll be parked inside a big hotel lobby now. Or something like that.

Anyway, I hope you'll bear with me through the changes and the technical details, and I hope my non-Catholic readers won't be deterred because I promise, it's still me writing, and there won't be any pressure for you to read beyond my blog channel, unless you are so inclined.

I'm so excited for the opportunity to serve a larger audience, and to highlight some fantastically talented fellow writers (more on that later) but for now, be on the lookout for a fun new endeavor that will still sound 100% like me, but will  probably be 100% improved in design, navigability, and frequency of posts.

Thanks for hanging with me through what I'm confident will only be an upgrade. I can't wait to see how it all shakes out.